[Dissociated Press] In a move that has shocked the legal community, Associate Justice Sonya Sotomayor was banned for life from the Supreme Court because of racist comments.
Chief Justice John Roberts made the announcement to journalists at a noon press conference today.
Roberts, speaking with a trembling voice, told the shocked journalists that in light of the recent banning from basketball of the owner of the Los Angeles Clippers for private racist statements, he had no choice but to ban Sotomayor from the court.
"After all", Roberts said, "the Clippers owner merely made private racist comments and had no history of racist actions that would affect the public. Justice Sotomayor, on the other hand, is a Supreme Court justice who has made explicit racist rulings and has actually asserted publicly several years ago that her wise Latina racial origins and sex chromosomes rendered her better able to make judicial decisions than people who lack her race or sex."
"Furthermore", Roberts noted, "Sotomayor's recent racist ruling on the Michigan Affirmative Action case explicitly asserted that the law should discriminate for and against millions of college applicants simply on the basis of their race. She attributed collective guilt to millions of innocent people based solely on their race, and has ruled that the law demands that legal favors and disfavors be apportioned on the basis of race. It doesn't get any more racist than that."
In related news, courts, legislatures, and universities across the nation are moving to ban Affirmative Action-supporting racists who demand that the law promote racism, in violation of the Fifth and Fourteenth Amendments and the Civil Rights Act.
"Our law, like our sports teams, should be colorblind." Roberts said. "We need to ban racism in our legislatures, our universities, and our Supreme Court, just as much as we need to ban racism on our basketball court."